ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them