ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Yes, this is exactly right
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.