Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today