Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Sell your car
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
😭😭😭😭
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.