Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.