Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
At least my masseuse has my back.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.