Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
You Might Also Like
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
placebo pills? more like sike meds
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles