Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.