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How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Brb my Sims are getting married
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
im gay on my mothers side
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.