okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
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Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Dear Lord..
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
BaD BoY!!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Ape together strong
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.