okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
