okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Ion see the issue
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.