okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
