okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
