okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.