okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
bad news gang
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I put the I in Insufferable.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
