okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
They must have gotten it to go.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.