okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Lube but for my dry humor.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
