okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
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“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger