Okay, autocorrect, I get it.

Every time I start to type “unattached”, you suggest “unattractive”.

Message received.

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Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.


I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.


My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.


“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”


Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long


Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.


I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.


If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!


Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…