Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
You Might Also Like
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Tell the colonel to bring it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right