Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Boom, boom, ching!

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*