Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

found my next D&D character name

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.