“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.