Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

What the hell is going on?

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*