Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
You Might Also Like
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*