Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.