okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training