Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!