Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

that colleague who touches your screen

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall