OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Customer is always right
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.