Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Morning all.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.