Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?