Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*