Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.