Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.