OKAY DAD
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Hmmmmm
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*