Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I stand by it
