Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

A duv-egg? In this economy?

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6