Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Brother?

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers