Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

good work, everybody

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.