Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
CRYING
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means