Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.