Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Lmao

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

Sign of the day..

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

👾👾👾

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.