Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
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Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
is it too early for christmas memes
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
As per my previous tablet…
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what