Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Sorted
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me