Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?