Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

Me irl

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.