Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @