Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?