Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

This seems like peak sibling energy

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.