Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
You Might Also Like
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
#Caturday
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
english majors be like furthermore
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats