okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
You Might Also Like
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.