okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Wikigenius
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Whoa 😂
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.