Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
How can I say no to this ?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.