Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
You know…for fall…
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
just got my engagement photos
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7