Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
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Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).