Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.