Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
You Might Also Like
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.