Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors