Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.