OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?