OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
mmm onion ringos
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty