OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Jesus Christ lmao
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Are you ok, human???
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.