OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Happy thanksgiving!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
That’s classic.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.