Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.