Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???