Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You Might Also Like
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.