Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about
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How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
