Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.