Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

pictures of spider-man

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*