Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My new favorite headline
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.