Okay, I’m still confused…
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder