Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Sticker placement is key.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?