Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
It’s on my to-do list.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.