Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous