Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.