Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.