Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Monday
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
mood
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back